Jokes

[Dragona]

Translations of Help Wanted Ads
Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Fast learner: You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.

Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.

Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.

Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.

Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.

Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.

Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

[Dragona]

Two People
A woman and her young daughter were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother one Sunday. As they passed through the cemetery on the way back to their car, the little girl said, "Mommy? Do they ever bury in the same grave?"

"Oh no, of course not, dear!" the mother replied. "Why on earth would you think that?"

"Well, that one back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

[Dragona]

For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A stripey sweater!

How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
She's got that down in the mouth look!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
A peeping tom!

Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas?
Because he has sandy claws!

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
'Pleased to eat you.'!

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
Frostbite!

What is a French cat's favorite pudding?
Chocolate mousse!

[Dragona]

A/C Trouble
A salesman for a mobile home dealership had a customer call him about this problem:

The customer called and said she was having problems with her air conditioner.

She said, "Mr. X, we are about to freeze to death! I keep turning it down but it won't go off!"

[Dragona]

I Do Not Think
I do not think -- therefore I am not.

Here is the illustration of this principle:

One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?".

Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished.

[Dragona]

A Texan in Ballinclashett
A big Texan is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.

This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, "Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want."

Liam says, "O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days."

"Hey, Boy," says the Texan, "Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine."

"I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im," says Liam.

The Texan is getting angry now. "Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now."

"Oh well," says Liam, "Two-thousand of your American dollars then."

"Deal!" says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.

The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, "Hey, Boy, you a durned swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!"

"I keep tellin' you he don't look too good," says Liam, "and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end I gave up."

[Dragona]

For The Kids...
How do you save a drowning mouse?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!

Where do hamsters come from?
Hamsterdam!

What's a mouse's least favorite record?
What's up girl thingycat!

Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!

What do rodents say when they play bingo?
'Eyes down for a full mouse'!

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!

What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!

Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they'd look silly with long hair!

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!

What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and squeak!

[Dragona]

Second Notice
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

[Dragona]

What is 2 * 2
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".

Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"

Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".

Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".

Medical Student : "4"

All others looking astonished : "How did you know?"

Medical Student : "I memorized it."

[Dragona]

Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

[Dragona]

For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases cars - and catches them!

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You can step in a poodle!

What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
A petticoat!

What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A terrified postman!

What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
His bark was much worse than it's bite!

What is a dogs favorite flower?
Anything in your garden!

What dog wears contact lenses?
A thingy-eyed spaniel!

What's a dog favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!

What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
That hit the spots!

What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena?
I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!

[Dragona]

A Scots Pessimist
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.

[Dragona]

You Might Be a Redneck If...
- You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.

- A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.

- You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.

- You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.

- You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.

- You shot your own 12 point coat rack.

- You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.

- The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.

[Dragona]

New Principal
As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.

Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

[Dragona]

For The Kids...
Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?
Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train!

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright!

1st Roman Soldier: What is the time?
2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!