Jokes

[Dragona]

Recent Quips from Late Night

"Hillary Clinton's opponent in the U.S. Senate race, the Republican she's going to be running against, has been married three times, had an affair with his chief of staff, had two kids with her while still married to his second wife. This is the first time in history that a Clinton is the 'family values' candidate." --Jay Leno

"A new season of 'Survivor' debuted tonight featuring the controversial idea of separating the tribes by race. The Asian tribe is called Puka Puka, the African-American tribe is called Manihiki, and the Caucasian tribe is called the Republicans." --Conan O'Brien

"General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush's policies, saying that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism. That's what I think he said -- it was hard to hear him because he was being hustled out of the room to his cell in Guantanamo Bay." --Jay Leno

"This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, 'This time, Rumsfeld and I are going to wing it.'." --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver." --David Letterman

"The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill to build a 700-mile fence along the Mexican border. Apparently, the idea is to keep Mexicans from getting back home." --Conan O'Brien

"Big scandal on the new 'Survivor' series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team." --Jay Leno

[Dragona]

Bottle Fed Baby

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.

She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.

The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds, "Well of course I don't, I'm his aunt!"

[Dragona]

You Might Be A Redneck If...

- Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.

- You place a classified asking less than $1.

- You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.

- Higher math means counting over 10.

- The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.

- You have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.

- You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.

- You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases cars - and catches them!

Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A: You can step in a poodle!

Q: What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
A: A petticoat!

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A: A terrified postman!

Q: What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
A: His bark was much worse than it's bite!

[earthcrusher]

funny jokes dragona!!

[Dragona]

Baby Wrap

Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

[Dragona]

Overloaded
My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

[Dragona]

Dog at the Movies
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"

"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"

[Dragona]

For The Kids...
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

What did Noah do for a job?
He was an ark-itecht!

What's that fly doing in my gravy?
Looks like the breast stroke!

Teacher: When do astronauts eat?
Pupil: At launch time!

Father: You were absent on the day of the test?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!

[Dragona]

Lost Parrot
A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.

The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."

[Dragona]

Remember to Be a Good Sport
During the course of a heated softball tournament, the coach felt the need to remind one of his players about the importance of team play and good sportsmanship.

The coach asked the player if he knew and remembered what good sportsmanship was.

The player replied, "Yes."

The coach then asked him if he knew he shouldn't curse at the umpire or throw things in anger.

The player again replied "Yes."

"Good," said the coach, "now could you please go tell your wife."

[Dragona]

The Biggest Scam
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

[Dragona]

For The Kids...
How do you make milk shake?
Give it a good scare!

Do you know the time?
No, we haven't met yet!

What sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
A kipper!

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck!

What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troopers!

Did you hear about the man who had BO on one side only?
He bought Right Guard, but couldn't find any Left Guard!

What has two humps and is found at the North Pole?
A lost camel!

[Dragona]

How to handle a husband

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach
In Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the
Talk of the town.

"What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
Long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the
Bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's
Horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse And quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time
Causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said," That's
Twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My
Wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the Poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

[Dragona]

Emergency Call
Dad's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing.

Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.

Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.