Jokes

[Dragona]

Kansas

My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?"

The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."

[Dragona]

A Penthouse in Heaven

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

[Dragona]

Joining The Army

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

Who went into a witch's den and came out alive?
The witch!

What is a witches favourite magazine?
The witch report!

What did the young witch say to her mother?
Can I have the keys to the broom tonight!

What's the best advice you can give to a witch on a broomstick?
Don't fly off the handle!

Who turns the lights off at halloween?
The light's witch!

Whats the difference between a broomstick and a pumpkin?
Ever tried broomstick pie?

What do you call a wizard from outer space?
A flying sorcerer!

[earthcrusher]

good ones dragona

[Dragona]

Some System

Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, MY sister arrived by train so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"

[Dragona]

How the Media Would Cover The Apocalypse

USA Today:
We're Dead

The Wall Street Journal:
Dow Jones Plummets As World Ends

Microsoft Systems Journal:
Apple Loses Market Share

Sports Illustrated:
Game Over

Wired:
The Last New Thing

Rolling Stone:
The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour

Readers Digest: 'Bye

Discover Magazine:
How Will The Extinction Of All Life As We Know It Affect The Way We View The Cosmos?

Tv Guide:
Death And d**nation: Nielson Ratings Soar!

Lady's Home Journal:
Lose 10 Lbs By Judgment Day With Our New "Armageddon" Diet!

Inc. Magazine:
Ten Ways You Can Profit From The Apocalypse

[Dragona]

Sports Car Dreams

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"

"Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

Q: What is a dogs favorite flower?
A: Anything in your garden!

Q: What dog wears contact lenses?
A: A thingy-eyed spaniel!

Q: What's a dog favorite hobby?
A: Collecting fleas!

Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
A: That hit the spots!

Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena?
A: I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!

[earthcrusher]

good jokes dragona ;D

[Dragona]

Atomic Bar

A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a drink. Finishing, the neutron asks "How much?"

The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

[Dragona]

Political Correctness

I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.

[Dragona]

Some Race Horses Were Talking

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

How do you save a drowning mouse?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!

Where do hamsters come from?
Hamsterdam!

What's a mouse's least favorite record?
What's up girl thingycat!

Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!

What do rodents say when they play bingo?
'Eyes down for a full mouse'!

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!

What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!

Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they'd look silly with long hair!

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!

What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and squeak!

[earthcrusher]

i like the political correctness joke!!