Jokes

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can't bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: "Because no one else will do it for them!"

Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: "Well, doggone!"

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: How can you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!

[earthcrusher]

good jokes!!

[Dragona]

Deep Thoughts About Pigs and Sheep

Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?

If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?

If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it?

If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

Why can't pigs look up into the sky?

Why do pigs have curly tails?

Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?

Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it?

Would a small pig be called a hamlet?

[Dragona]

Kids Understand Love

Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You can break love, but it won't die."

[Dragona]

Inventions Bound to Fail

*The water-proof towel

*Glow in the dark sunglasses

*Solar powered flashlights

*Submarine screen doors

*A book on how to read

*Inflatable dart boards

*A dictionary index

*Dehydrated water - Just add water

*Waterproof tea bags

*The helicopter ejector seat

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking? No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!

[Dragona]

Dangerous Virus Alert!


There is a dangerous virus being passed around
electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called
Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues,
your boss, or anyone else via any means

DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your
jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest

grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as

Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE)
or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been
completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not
have 5 friends, you have already been infected

and WORK is controlling your life.

[Dragona]

Unscheduled Outage

It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits.

"Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech.

Next morning, the phone rings. It's a very irate corporate administrator wanting to know why we had an unscheduled outage the day before. The tech calmly explain about the storm, which he had no control over.

The Administrator's response? "Next time, put it on the schedule before you have an unexpected outage!"

[Dragona]

My Mother Taught Me

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10.My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"

11.My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."

12.My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13.My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

14.And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

[Dragona]

Eggplants

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

What do you get if you all sit under a cow?
A pat on the head!

What's the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper!

What do you call a pig that took a plane?
Swine flu!

What kind of doctor treats ducks?
A quack!

What did the well mannered sheep say to his friend at the field gate?
Afer ewe!

Why did the ram fall over the cliff?
He didn't see the ewe turn!

What do cows like to dance to?
Any kind of moosic you like!

Where do sheep get shorn?
At the baa baas!

What do you get if you cross a steer with a tadpole?
A bullfrog!

[Dragona]

What $2 Can Buy

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation.

Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"

"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

[Dragona]

The Mathematician and the Physicist

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.

The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal."

The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out.

The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling.

The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?"

The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"

[Dragona]

Eulogy

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

What is posthumous work?
Something written by someone after they are dead!

What is the most slippery country in the world?
Greece!

What is the strongest bird?
A crane!

What is the smelliest city in America?
Phew York!

What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas?
A ladder in her stocking!

Who was the best actor in the bible?
Samson, he brought the house down!

What cake wanted to rule the world?
Atilla the Bun!