Jokes

[Dragona]

Justice Triumphs

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client, who had attended the trial, was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client.

The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading, "Justice has triumphed!"

The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

[Dragona]

Ski Trip

Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.

After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.

Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."

Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

What's a vampire's favourite sport?
Batminton!

What do you call a werewolf that drinks too much?
A whino!

Where did the witch get her furniture?
From the ideal gnome exhibition!

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!

What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom!

How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid!

What do demons have on holiday?
A devil of a time!

[umbra]

Those are good ones, Dragona. I quite liked SKI TRIP.

[Dragona]

Three Legged Chicken

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour.

Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it.

To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"

The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."

[Dragona]

Regular Consumption of Guinness

Well now, you see it's like this....

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.

In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....

So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain.

The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.

If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?

[Dragona]

Psych Treatment

A woman called her insurance company to see if her policy covered psychiatric treatment.

After reviewing her policy, the agent told her, "Yes, Virginia, there is an insanity clause!"

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

Is that school food spicy?
No, smoke always comes out of my ears!

Why did George Washington chop down the cherry tree?
I'm stumped!

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the combination!

Why do teachers use a bamboo cane?
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!

[Dragona]

Small Town Stop

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "Officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"No explanation needed!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I have to tell you something." The man tried again.

"Just keep quiet! You're going to jail and I'm notinterested in what you have to say!" the officer barked.

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[Dragona]

1935

A little boy asked his grandmother what year she was born.

She told him she was born in 1935.

"Wow!" the boy exclaimed. "If you were a baseball card, you'd be worth lots of money.

[Dragona]

Double Positives

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.

"In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

"However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

Q: How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold?
A: He has cat-arrh!

Q: What is cleverer than a talking cat?
A: A spelling bee!

Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
A: They never cry over spilt milk!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
A: An animal that puts you out a night!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo?
A: A stripey jumper!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss!

Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
A: They both wear stripes!

[Dragona]

Recent Quips From Late Night

"This weekend it's going to be all programming to commemorate the fifth anniversary of 9/11. All the networks are getting into it. CBS is showing their 9/11 documentary. And ABC has their 'Path to 9/11' docudrama. And, of course, Fox is going with Ryan Seacrest's 'Rockin 9/11 Countdown.'." --Bill Maher

"Democratic leaders in the U.S. Senate have sent a letter to ABC asking them to cancel this big 9/11 docudrama they have coming on this weekend. They call it, 'inaccurate, partisan and right-wing propaganda,' where as Fox calls it 'news.' In the movie, they claim that while he was president, Bill Clinton couldn't concentrate on fighting al Qaeda because the Monica Lewinsky scandal was such a distraction. A distraction? She was under the desk. The papers were on top of the desk. He could see everything." --Jay Leno

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's is in trouble because he said Cubans and Puerto Ricans are hot-blooded. Arnold said, 'Sorry, when I made those comments, I assumed no one would understand what I was saying'." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's new position on torture is, 'We don't do it. We've never done it. And we're going to stop doing it.'." --Jay Leno

"In an interview on 'Nightline' the other night, Hillary Clinton says she has to face what she calls the 'Goldilocks' theory of politics, where she's too liberal for some, too moderate for others, and never just right. If there's anybody who can identify with the Goldilocks story, it's Hillary Clinton. I mean, how many times has she come home and found someone sleeping in her bed?." --Jay Leno

"During a speech earlier today, President Bush said that he will continue to fight terror by 'using all the tools available.' Then the president introduced Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld as the biggest tool of all." --Conan O'Brien

"Former officials from the Clinton administration are upset at our network, ABC, because of the miniseries 'The Path to 9/11. They say the movie paints Clinton as soft on terrorism. Which by the way, if he was soft on terrorism, that was the only thing he was soft on." --Jimmy Kimmel

[Dragona]

Out of Step

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step.

Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"

"What?" asked the recruit innocently.

"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.

The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"

[Dragona]

You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When

*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you

*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

*You sleep with your eyes open

*You have to watch videos in fast-forward

*You lick your coffee pot clean

*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

*You can jump-start your car without cables

*Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"

*You don't sweat, you percolate

*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug

*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee

*You've worn the finish off you coffee table

*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you

*Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house

*You're so wired you pick up FM radio

*Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"

*Instant coffee takes too long

*You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can

*You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"

*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position

*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup