Jokes

[Dragona]

Finding Her Place

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."

[Dragona]

Spring Fever

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar
Don't worry you'll soon change!

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well.
That's quite enough out of you!

Doctor, Doctor I've got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet.
Sounds like you've got Foot and Mouth disease!

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish
Poor sole!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider
What a web of lies!

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar!
Have you taken anything for it?

Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his father
Never mind just so long as he's healthy!

[Dragona]

Recent Quips from Late Night

"NBC anchor Brian Williams interviewed President Bush. He asked him about his poll numbers and President Bush said, 'The key for me is to keep expectations low.' I think you can accurately say, 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno

"NBC News was also marking the anniversary [of Hurricane Katrina], but they had to settle for lesser celebrity guests, like this guy who took some time from a tour of New Orleans to tell Brian Williams about all the reading he's been doing this summer [on screen: President Bush saying he's read 'three Shakespeare's' this summer]. The point is that he read three Shakespeare's this summer and that's a great way to kick off eight grade" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is on television giving a speech and Kyra Phillips, an anchorwoman from CNN, gets up to go to the bathroom. She's wearing a microphone. She leaves the microphone on. Everyone was outraged. What's the big deal? She gets up to go the bathroom in the middle of a George W. Bush speech -- who hasn't done that?" --David Letterman

"Yesterday the president of Iran challenged President Bush to a televised debate. President Bush turned down the debate, but did challenge the Iranian president to a game of 'Hungry Hungry Hippos.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Germany has offered to send troops to the Lebanon border. I bet Israel's breathing a sigh of relief there. Nothing makes Jewish people feel safer and more secure than the German Army marching on their border." --Jay Leno

"According to a national organization that studies obesity, nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third of the country. In other words, geographically, America has a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien

[Dragona]

Handicapped Parking

You are parked in a space clearly designated for disabled persons. Please circle the statement which best describes your handicap:

- I don't read good.

- I suffer from terminal laziness.

- I have Attention Deficit Disorder. Huh?

- My inner child was bugging me for ice cream.

- My shoes are too expensive to walk in.

- Wheelchair symbol? I thought it was a rocking chair!

- My religion forbids acts of common courtesy.

- I ignore OTHER laws, why not this one?

- I AM disabled... by a painfully swollen ego

[Dragona]

Ice Cream Flavors

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"

"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.

"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.

"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

How is the witches team doing?
They're having a spell in the first division!

How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting for two hours!

What do you call a skeleton that is always telling lies?
A boney phoney!

What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he goes out to work in the evening?
"Have a nice bite"!

Why did the ghost go to the funfair?
He wanted to go on a rollerghoster!

How can you help a starving cannibal?
Give them a hand!

When do cannibals cook you?
On Fried-days!

[Dragona]

Traffic Stop

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

[Dragona]

Dumb

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth."

The second professor says "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot."

The first professor says "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner."

The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says "Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave."

Sam says "OK." and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it."

Sam says "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave."

[Dragona]

The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach

10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.

9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work.

8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.

6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software.

5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.

4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision.

2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into architecture.

1. Dilbert is a documentary.

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

What's the best way of talking to a warty witch?
By telephone!

Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting!

What happened to the skeleton who went to a party?
All the others used him as a coat rack!

Why did the skeleton go to hospital?
To have his ghoul stones removed!

What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower?
A bat mat!

Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing?
He could really get into the vaultz!

What did the demon do when he bought a new house?
He called it "Gnome Sweet Gnome"!

[Dragona]

Newlyweds

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

[Dragona]

This is the way it should be!!!!

FINALLY!! An answer to the de-Americanizing crap that's suffocating our country. A short, concise message that makes sense. Every business should be required to install this message on their phone and ATM systems.


GOOD MORNING,
WELCOME TO THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
Press "1" for English.
Press "2" to disconnect until you have
learned to speak English

[Dragona]

Advance Medicine

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "thingytails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO.

[Dragona]

7 and 7 is 11
A woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. "How much is it?" she asked the storekeeper.

"14 cents," answered the storekeeper to the lady.

"14 cents! For what?" asked the lady.

The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents."

"I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11."

"What are your saying?"

"As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11...I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11!

Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11."