Jokes

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

What's the best way of talking to a warty witch?
By telephone!

Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting!

What happened to the skeleton who went to a party?
All the others used him as a coat rack!

Why did the skeleton go to hospital?
To have his ghoul stones removed!

What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower?
A bat mat!

Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing?
He could really get into the vaultz!

What did the demon do when he bought a new house?
He called it "Gnome Sweet Gnome"!

[Dragona]

Student vs. Stock Broker

Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it.

The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog."

The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.

The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."

[Dragona]

Anthill Golfing

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

[Dragona]

Water Gun

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

How do you make milk shake?
Give it a good scare!

Do you know the time?
No, we haven't met yet!

What sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
A kipper!

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck!

What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troopers!

Did you hear about the man who had BO on one side only?
He bought Right Guard, but couldn't find any Left Guard!

What has two humps and is found at the North Pole?
A lost camel!

[Dragona]

Recent Quips from Late Night

"Tuesday will mark the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina -- the storm that nearly destroyed New Orleans. The White House's response to Katrina can best be filed under job comma 'heckuva.'" --Jon Stewart

"CNN, to mark the fifth anniversary of 9/11, is going to be re-playing their original coverage of that day. Let's just hope that President Bush doesn't tune in and go, 'Oh my God, they've done it again!'." --Bill Maher

"There's a recent study about human behavior and apparently, women are capable of making decisions about the character of men within a tenth of a second. Decisions often made without any rational thought. Yep and that's why we're in Iraq." --David Letterman

"'Diary of a Lost Girl,' the autobiography of Kola Boof, recounts her sexual relationship with Osama bin Laden. There were some bad sides to being Osama's sex slave because Boof writes, 'Osama, you understand, did not know the difference between being vicious and being tender.' Now I know I'm going to get an angry letter from Ned Lamont for saying this, but I think bin Laden may not have not been a nice person." --Stephen Colbert

"The Republicans have a new talking point on Iraq. It's about time they got one. The new one is: 'If we don't fight them there, they'll follow us home.' There's a representative -- a Republican named Curt Weldon -- who said we either fight them over there or we fight them here in our supermarkets. Have you ever been to that Ralph's on Sunset at 3 in the morning? I don't think al Qaeda has the guts." --Bill Maher

"A bunch of astronomers got together and they have downsized the solar system. All through school as a kid didn't you think there were nine planets? No, as of today we have eight planets. They have voted Pluto out of the solar system. They have downgraded the solar system from nine to eight. It is similar to what's happened at 'The View.'." --David Letterman

[Dragona]

The Limo

The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, "Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once."

"Well, here," the limo driver says, "Take the wheel, Your Holiness!"

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, "I just pulled over someone real important and I don't know what to do."

"Well, who is it?" his dispatcher says, "The mayor? The governor? The president?"

"I don't know," the officer responds, "but the Pope's his chauffer!"

[Dragona]

Little Johnny's Numbers

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me."

"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says little Johnny.

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

What's black and white all over and difficult?
An exam paper!

Why aren't you doing very well in history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!

The Spanish explorers went round the world in a galleon.
How many galleons did the get to the mile!

What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights!

[Dragona]

Housekeeping Husband

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

[Dragona]

Mr. Smith is Dead

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.

"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

[Dragona]

Mike's Girlfriend

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" I asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

[Dragona]

For The Kids...

A ghost joke
Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?
Because you can see right through them!

A vampire joke
What does a vampire bath in?
A bat tub!

A werewolf joke
Why did the boy take a pain killer after hearing a werewolf howl?
Because it gave him eerie ache!

A vampire joke
What does Dracula say when you tell him something interesting?
Well fangcy that!

A werewolf joke
What do you call a hairy beast that is lost?
A where-wolf!

A vampire joke
What flavour ice cream is Dracula's favourite?
Veinilla!

A werewolf joke
What do you call a hairy beast in a river?
A weir-wolf!

[earthcrusher]

good jokes!

[Dragona]

Stained Glass

A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."

It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.