Jokes

[brenn]

I hope "He can talk"
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.

He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk.

I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

[brenn]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teasthingy, a teacup and a bucket

to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the sthingy or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

[brenn]

A couple go to a doctor. The doctor asks them what the problem is. They reply that they seem to have lost interest in sex. The doctor asks the woman how old she is. " 78." she replies. He then asks the man. " 80." the man answers. The doctor nods knowingly then asks "When did you notice this problem?" "Last night and then again this morning." they say.

[brenn]

Think before you speak...


Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clean clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh, and remember...
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak.

[earthcrusher]

LOL good ones!

[Mr. Atoz]

Two neutral atoms meet in a bar. As they get up to leave, the first atom says, "I'm missing an electron." The other atom says, "Are you sure?" The first atom says, "I'm positive!"

[earthcrusher]

Good one!

[brenn]

I rolled my eyes when I read this joke.

[earthcrusher]

(I was just trying to be polite)

[Mr. Atoz]

Ten ways to tell if you've been assimiliated by the Borg:

10 -- You don't move as fast as you used to.
9 -- No matter what you do, you can't get a tan.
8 -- You notice that you don't spend as much time deciding what to wear in the morning.
7 -- You find that games like "I spy" have suddenly gotten really monotonous. ("I spy something...black.")
6 -- Before you can decide what to watch on television, 10,000 other people have already made up your mind for you.
5 -- You try to scratch your nose and nearly rip your face off with the stainless steel surgical saw grafted to your arm.
4 -- You buy Popular Mechanics magazine for the sexy pictures.
3 -- Your favorite shape is a cube.
2 -- You can't wear sunglasses because of the optical scanner protruding from your eyesocket.
1 -- You make a simple statement like, "Resistance is Futile", and people panic for some reason.

[Mr. Atoz]

If you've got some time to kill, here's a link to another forum, where I have posted several Star Trek parodies. startrek911.proboards29.com/index.cgi?board=fanfic

[Kitty]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, then cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replied, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $1.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. ..... PRICELESS!!

[Mr. Atoz]

A nun riding in a taxicab noticed that the driver kept glancing in his rear-view mirror. The man finally got up the courage to say, "You know sister, maybe it's the black habit or something, but I've always had this fantasy about kissing a nun."

To his surprise, the nun didn't seem offended. "Are you Catholic?"

"Yes," he said.

"Are you unmarried?"

"Yes," he said.

"Then I don't see what harm it could do." Hardly believing his luck, the driver stopped the cab near the entrance to an alley. They got out of the cab, and to his utter astonishment, the nun grabbed him by the lapels and gave him the deepest French kiss he had ever had in his life! He was so astonished, it wasn't until they were back in the cab and on their way before he was able to speak.

"Sister, that was such a great kiss, I feel really, really guilty about lying to you. I'm not really Catholic, and I'm not really single."

"Think nothing of it, my son," said the nun. "I have a confession to make as well. My name is Steve and I'm on my way to a costume party."

[Decind]

correlliankitty said:

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, then cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replied, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $1.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. ..... PRICELESS!!

I have not laughed so hard in a while! Thanks.

[Mr. Atoz]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
(by Phil Proctor)

Barack Osama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

John McCain: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

Hillary Clinton: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.

George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Richard Cheney: Where's my gun?