Jokes

[Mr. Atoz]

This isn't actually a joke, but it seems that a sociologist at the University of Montreal (Simon Louis Lajeunesse, if you want to google him) got the idea of performing a thorough study of the effects of pornography. The idea was to answer the perennial question of whether watching porn really did skew men's image of women, causing us to disrespect them (as a lot of religious people generally suppose it does). Well, the thing is, he needed a control group of men who didn't look at porn.

He couldn't find any!

[Mr. Atoz]

Heck, I'll give a link to the article, because it really is interesting... www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2009-12/uom-ate120109.php

[Mr. Atoz]

The United Nations did a telephone poll on the single question "What is your honest opinion on solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The poll was a total failure.

People in Eastern Europe didn't understand what "honest" meant.
People in China didn't understand what "opinion" meant.
People in the Middle East didn't understand what "solutions" meant.
People in Africa didn't understand what "food" meant.
People in Western Europe didn't understand what "shortage" meant.
People in the United States didn't understand what "rest of the world" meant.

[Mr. Atoz]

"If high heels were really so wonderful, men would still be wearing them." -- Sue Grafton

[Thallassa]

"I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." -- Woody Allen

[Mr. Atoz]

"News of the Weird" by Chuck Shepherd...

Being uninsured, Kathy Myers of Niles, Michigan, went to the emergency room with a very painful shoulder injury, but kept getting turned away because it wasn't life-threatening. As a last resort, she took a gun and shot herself in the arm, thinking this would qualify her. Alas, she managed to miss every major vein and bone, so they sent her home again.

[Mr. Atoz]

This was taken from the FAQs section of an Australian tourism website:

Q: Does it ever rain in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the streets?
A: It depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: Can you give me any information about hippo racing in Australia?
A: AFRICA is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. AUSTRALIA is the big island in the middle of the Pacific, which does not... oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places?
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule?
A: AUSTRIA is the quaint little country next to Germany... oh forget it. Sure, the Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

[Thallassa]

A dad was sitting his 10 year old son down for the birds and bees talk. The kid says, "No, dad! Please don't tell me!"

"What's the matter, son?"

"When I was 6, you gave me the There's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 7, you gave me the There's no Tooth Fairy speech. At 8, I got the There's no Santa speech. If you're going to tell me that adults don't really get laid, I have nothing to live for!"

[Mr. Atoz]

News of the Weird by Chuck Shepherd...

Mark Smith, 59, was arrested in a bank in Watsonville CA for allegedly threatening the teller with a "bom" and demanding $2000. The teller tried to talk him into borrowing the money instead. He was still filling out the application when the police arrived.

[Thallassa]

20 Arguments to have with your husband.

1. Your grandfather's middle name is a stupid name for a baby.
2. Having kids was your idea. YOU are the one who didn't wear a condom.
3. You don't need a cell phone that plays 3D movies.
4. Yes there is a right way and a wrong way to load the dishwasher. My way is right.
5. The television anchorman can't hear you. Stop yelling at him.
6. If your mother rearranges the living room furniture one more time, I'm going to shoot her, stuff her, and hang her on the wall.
7. Any outfit I look fabulous in is a bargain. End of story.
8. We DON'T need a larger television.
9. There's no such thing as too many cats.
10. Any trip that includes your folks is not a vacation.
11. Running a vaccum cleaner does not deplete testosterone levels.
12. Why pay for a gym membership when you can get plenty of exercise mowing the lawn?
13. The dog doesn't want me to walk him in the rain. He wants you to walk him in the rain.
14. It isn't good for the children to hear us arguing. Unless I'm winning.
15. I correct your grammar because I love you.
16. I kick you when you snore because I adore you.
17. I won't let you leave the house wearing that hideous shirt because I'm crazy about you.
18. "Does this dress make my butt look big?" is a question with only one correct answer.
19. Sexy underwear is not a present for me, it's a present for you. You still owe me a gift.
20. It's only a game. They're not losers. They're millionaires.

[Mr. Atoz]

News of the Weird by Chuck Shepherd --

New York City artist Sally Davies offered the latest evidence of how unattractive today's fast foods are to bacteria and maggots. She bought a McDonald's Happy Meal in April, has photographed it daily, noting periodically the lack of even the slightest sign of decomposition. Her dog circled nearby the food for the first two days and has since ignored it. Food scientists credit a heavy use of preservatives and also the predominance of fat and lack of moisture and nutrients -- all of which contribute to merely shrinking the hardening the burger and fries over time. [Mummification, essentially.]

***

A lawyer in Xian, China, filed a lawsuit against a movie house and film distributor for wasting her time -- because she was exposed to 20 minutes of advertisements that began at the posted time the actual movie was to begin. Ms. Chen Xiaomei is requesting a refund (about $5.20) plus and equal amount in damages, plus the equivalent of 15 cents for emotional damage.

[Thallassa]

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect." -- Mark Twain

[Mr. Atoz]

News of the Weird by Chuck Shepherd

A sculpture on display at Normandale Community College in Bloomington MN was recently stolen. The piece by artist John Ilg, consisted of wire mesh over a frame with 316 rolled up dollar bills stuffed in the mesh. The piece was titled "Honesty".

[earthcrusher]

Oh boy.....

[Mr. Atoz]

News of the Weird by Chuck Shepheard

Washington resident Nicole Pugh went into her polling place to cast a vote for mayor and noticed a line asking for her pick for Advisory Neighborhood Commissioner, even though no candidates were listed. On a lark, she wrote in her own name and was informed that evening that she had been elected 1-0 to a position which through apathy had gone unfilled for 14 years!