Jokes

[Mr. Atoz]

There are two kinds of people in the universe -- the kind who finish everything they start, and

[Niemz]

...took me a sec, but good one!

[Mr. Atoz]

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
-- Noel Coward

[Mr. Atoz]

"Men have always despised women's gossip, because they have guessed the truth -- that their measurements are being taken and compared." --- Erica Jong

[Mr. Atoz]

This just in -- Because of the stock market crash, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares of Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they took a nose-dive. Karate Bank has given 500 of its staff the chop, while analysts report something fishy going on at Sushi Bank. Meanwhile, Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, and Ninja Bank is still in the black.

--- Phil Proctor

[Mr. Atoz]

On the very first Christmas, the Three Wise Men went to see the baby Jesus, and according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense and myrrh." These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so -- "And Lo, the gifts WERE inside six hundred square cubits of wrapping paper. And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saith unto him, Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Save it for next year."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving these gifts had two important characteristics.

1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

---- Dave Barry

[Mr. Atoz]

AMISH HORROR MOVIES --

The Pennsylvania Handsaw Massacre
I Know What You Did With the Summer Squash
Rosemary's Buggy
Riding in Cars With Anyone
The Night the Outsiders Found the Generator
The Hand That Churns the Butter
The Bare Wrist Project

(Phil Proctor)

[Mr. Atoz]

MORE AMISH HORROR MOVIES --

Invasion of the Bonnet Snatchers
The Devil Wears Plaid
Look Out the Pictures Move!
The Lighteners
Barnraiser
Night of the Leavened Bread

[Mr. Atoz]

"News of the Weird" by Chuck Shepherd...

After three years of providing worker training grants to a San Francisco-area multimedia coalition that includes a maker of sexualized torture videos, the state of California Employment Training panel cut off funding, claiming that it had not realized the nature of what an outfit called "Kink.com" does.

[Decind]

Nice, very funny sir!

[Mr. Atoz]

News of the Weird
by Chuck Shepherd

A parachutist who was part of an Army ceremony at Fort Riley, KS, was blown 50 yards off course and crashed into the band, injuring three musicians and destroying two tubas.

In another incident, as Duke University's football team was preparing for the kickoff against James Madison University in Durham, NC, two men parachuted into the stadium with the game ball. That was impressive, but they were actually supposed to have delivered the ball to the stadium in Chapel Hill, NC, 10 miles away.

***

Nine Words Women Use
by M.D. Rosenberg

1. "Fine": This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. "Five Minutes": If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. "Five minutes" is only five minutes if you have just been given five minutes more to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. "Nothing": This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

4. "Go Ahead": This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!!!

5. Loud Sigh: This isn't actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing. (Refer to #3 for the meaning of "nothing".)

6. "That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when to make you pay for your mistake.

7. "Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say, "you're welcome". (Although if she says "Thanks a lot", this is pure sarcasm. In this case, do not say "Thank you". That will bring on a "whatever".

8. "Whatever": This is a woman's way of saying "F*** you".

9. "Don't worry about it; I got it": Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in the man saying, "What's Wrong"?

[Mr. Atoz]

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are. Your luggage is a different story.

[Mr. Atoz]

News of the Weird by Chuck Shepherd

Two musician-beggars in the village of Moseley, England were banned from performing in the area after a magistrate court heard complaints by desperate residents that the pair played only two songs (Oasis' "Wonderwall" and George Michael's "Faith") over and over and over.

[Mr. Atoz]

News of the Weird by Chuck Shepherd

After a monitored endangered marsupial is West Australia died, scientists tracked it down with the intention of getting back their expensive radio collar. Just as they approached, the marsupial was eaten by a six foot python. They caught the python and put it in a shelter at the Department of Environment and Conservation, to wait for the collar to "pass". But that night, poachers broke into the shelter and stole the python! Later, they used the collar to track the poachers and arrest them.

[Mr. Atoz]

From the church bulletin:

Don't let worry kill you off. Let the Church help.

The Rector will preach his farewell message this Sunday, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy".

Low Self esteem support group meets Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the rear entrance. The Weight Watchers support group meets Friday at 7pm. Use the big double doors on the side entrance.

The bean supper will be held Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.